Final Exam

Scene: Top floor of the business building. A long hallway lined with cubicles. Light passes through a single large fan oscillating at the end of the hall. Professors huddle over their desks fervently scratching away with red pens. Except for one.  One professor leans over a paper. Her face is ghost white. She is stunned.

Professor: Dios Mio! He's done it! He's done it!

She leaps out of her cubicle and runs down the hallway, holding the paper in the air. The other professors peer up from their work, squinting at the bright light.



Scene: Dean's office. He is sitting at his desk ruffling through some papers. We see that they are divorce papers. Professor bursts in the room.

Professor: Dean! A student's done it! A perfect paper! It's a miracle!

Dean scoffs
Dean: Please professor don't be silly. Let me take a look at the thing.

As the dean reads the paper the snooty smile slowly fades from his face as tears of joy begin to fall.

Dean: My God. It's just so... beautiful.

Professor: I told you! Truly this grade deserves a one hundred.

Dean: A one hundred? That would be an injustice to this paper! Nay! An insult! This paper deserves a two hundred! No! Two million!!


Later that day:

Dean opens the door to his home and tussles the hair of his son and plants a big kiss right on his wife's lips.

Wife: Why, my goodness. What in heavens was that for husband?

Dean: No reason, my love. No reason....

Cut back to Dean's office.  Close up of trash can reveals divorce papers.

My Contacts

I have more restaurants programmed into my phone than I do friends. What can I say? I hate waiting for takeout.

Song Lyric!

I thought writing a blog that no one knew about would make me better than everyone else. Looking back on it, I'm not sure what my thought process was.

Match.com

I joined match.com
I put "bangs" in the search engine but was not pleased with the results.
Every girl on there lists Twilight as the last book they have read. I hate that shit.
Match.com charges on a sliding scale determined by your desperation.
I only have two pictures on there neither one of them are of my abs.

Reps at work

One of the 40 year old reps stands out to me because he brought a hot 18 year old to the Christmas party at work. I was immediately impressed. Today at work he asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him i went to a concert to which he responded, " I like The Fray, I bet they'd be cool to see." Only later did I realize that this was probably his 18 year old chick pick-up line.

Creo que si.

That some people are born with cool hair and some are not and there's not a damn thing anybody can do to change their hair class. Research is pending.

Tonight

I ate my dinner on the toilet (using it as a chair w/ cover down) and then went running in an ice storm.

Doogie Howser

Doogie Howser is a kindred spirit. Except I'm not a doctor, a genius, or a teenager.

Gurl

You look so good, you should be a cylon.

Only

Only in the original Dune can you see Patrick Stewart leading the siege against alien super-soldiers with a pug strapped to his chest.

Life

I'm in bed, in my boxers, eating taco bell burritos and I've got to wonder. Can life get any better than this?

Jimmeny Crickets!

I wish I could at least fake an interest in sports. In the business world you come off like a giant tool if you don't know that shit. Do you know those games are like two hours long?? Think of all the other cool stuff I could be doing. And on Sunday they have them on all day and on Monday you are supposed to talk about everything that happened. I don't want to spend my Sunday watching that shit all day. I want to do something. Read a book, climb rocks, join a fight club.

Xanga had this cool thing that let you show people what you were reading. It was a good and subtle way to let people know how well read and intellectual I was. Now I have to do it manually. The book is called Blink and I actually heard about it from my Dad. It's a psychology book about the power of the unconscious to make better decisions with very little information versus a decision made with pages and pages of raw information. That was a horrible explanation but if you read two pages of it you wouldn't be able to put it down. Blink.

I think I'm gonna start posting on my xanga again.

quote

"beeeeee yourself."
-Genie

Requisites for girl friend...

1. Bangs: At first I thought that maybe I just really liked bangs but lately I'm thinking that maybe I just find foreheads really unattractive.
2. AT&T Cell Phone Service: Hey, free mobile to mobile. I'm not made of minutes.
3. The ability (or mental retardation) to laugh at anything I say.
4. A dorky interest or hobby that allows me to feel more comfortable being dorky myself.
5. Cool spending a Sunday watching Cartoon Network or Nickelodeon.
6. An intense hatred of all sports. (Strong boredom at the least)
7. Wicked boobs

Memories

The last time I visited my grandpa in the hospital I showed him pictures of my uncle's new cabin on my iphone. Once he got used to the finger flick browsing he quickly went through all of the cabin pictures and into my personal ones. There was a slight pause until he said, "Sorry, Dave. Do you have stuff on here I shouldn't see?" I instictively grabbed the phone out of his hands, worried he would see a picture of me drinking or out at a bar. Later I realized that I didn't have any pictures like that and I felt really bad about it. Once for taking away the phone he was obviously interested in as he lay on a hospital bed covered in tubes and twice because the absence of any pictures that would offend my sunday school teaching, WWII vet grandpa kinda means in a way my life is boring.

I'm Funny

When I came back from lunch today a couple of coworkers commented on my handspun-awesomeness Chic-fil-a milkshake. I told them I was getting a head start on my New Year's resolution. Curiously, they asked what my resolution was and I said, "to drink more milkshakes."